The Dead Cat

The funniest thing happened last Sunday. We had had this orange cat that had become quite sickly. Mom had ordered Alvin to kill it several times, but the cat always outsmarted him and vanished. So anyway, it finally disappeared, only to revisit us in a horrifyingly disgusting manner. We started smelling this cat. It had evidently crawled under the house and died right beside the furnace, so every time the heat went on (and even when it didn't), the air was simply polluted. It was very annoying to our senses of smell, as they were definitely in good working order. Now that was downright disgusting.

Everybody wanted everyone else to go down there and retrieve the ghastly thing. Mom said, "Why, no indeed. I'd rather smell it than to have to go down there and get it."

Finally Dad said, "Fine! I'll do it since the rest of you are so spineless." (I'm sure it had a lot to do with his nose in particular). Well, he wanted Mom to make a mask for him doused with perfume or something nice-smelling to put over his mouth and nose so that he wouldn't smell the cat when he crawled underneath the house.

So, silly Mom and Dad...here we go... Dad put the mask on, and Mom proceeded to spray it. Now most wise people would've fixed the mask up before applying to the face. Mom chose a nice Victoria’s Secret body spray with a wide spray range, so, of course, Dad started howling when his eyes started "smelling nicely." Of course, we were all going hysterical at his squawking and Mom's howl of "It's not my fault."

He finally got his eyes cleared and nose clogged and proceeded to crawl down under the house, get the silly thing, and take it out to the trash pile to burn it. A few minutes later he came in looking very pale and grossed out. He had made it out to the trash pile with it alright, but then "lost everything that [he] had eaten for lunch." He said he wasn't even sure whether he actually smelled it or not, but he thought he might have, so he threw up, just in case.

He told us that night just before he went to bed that if we girls ever wonder whether or not he loves us, "just to remember the cat." Such a sweet father, eh?